Menstruation

One mother explained to her daughter Nora, whom she noticed maturing, that when she got old enough to manufacture full-grown eggs which could grow into babies she would be a woman. "You'll be able to tell when it happens . . ."

"How?"

"Some blood comes out."

"You mean that's the signal?"

"Yes. It's a kind of signal that tells a girl she's growing up."

Came the day when Nora started to menstruate. She ran into the room where her parents were reading and triumphantly announced, "What do you know, Mother and Daddy? I'm making eggs."

Actually there are egg cells inside the body when a baby girl is born. Actually these cells only become mature enough to be fertilized somewhat after the onset of menstruation. Menstruation is a sign that a girl is well on her way to this ultimate goal of womanhood. But what was more important here than these technical details was that this child was taking this physiological transition from girl to woman in good emotional stride. Many do not.

Some girls in their unconscious minds imagine they are in some mysterious fashion being punished for earlier "badness" --for curiosities that should not have been there, for littlegirl wishes to shove Mother out and possess Father or for touching themselves . . .

Threats they have heard in the past may now be catching up with them along with what they imagined when they first heard these threats.

Moans Paula, "Everytime I start flowing the thought jumps up in my mind, 'See, I've been hurt.'"

"That may be my fault," says Paula's mother. "I used to warn you not to touch yourself for fear you'd make yourself sore. I was full of those awful scare stories my mother told me. But I've learned lately that they don't hold an ounce of truth."

Some girls do not feel ready to grow up. They may unconsciously wish still to be babies. Or they may hope that by staying babyish they will manage still to get some of the things they have wanted and missed.

Cramps and nausea, aches and sick feelings may be signs of hidden unhappiness about turning from child into woman. Neither the coddling nor the belittling treatment does any good. Listening to the girl and giving her opportunities to talk about herself, on the other hand, may.

Idabelle complained every month. Her mother, before she knew better, would bring on hot drinks and hot bottles. She would dismiss her daughter's moans and groans with supposedly encouraging phrases. "You'll be all right in a few hours. And anyway, dear, this is nothing! Just wait till you have a baby. That really is grim."

Finally, however, Idabelle's mother learned better. She learned about helping a child get out troubled feelings.

"If your child feels mean, give him a chance to get the mean feelings out. That can reduce them. Talking's a good way for the adolescent youngster . . .

"If your child is afraid, give him a chance to get the fear feelings out. . . Don't probe. But don't turn him off either. Let him complain and see what comes.

"Be interested in his troubles and worries. Maybe along with the griping some of the more bothersome thoughts will slip out. If not, your willingness to listen may of itself do more than you think."

So Idabelle's mother figured, "I'll give it a try."

"Oh," groaned Idabelle with a sour look on her face. "I feel so awful!"

"I know how it is," said her mother, drawing up a chair and settling back to listen, real interest showing.

"I hurt so in my middle!" Idabelle moaned. "I wish I'd feel better. I just can't miss school . . . I can't miss the tennis tournament . . ." She paused a few moments and then, very angry, she exclaimed, "Why on earth did you make me be born a woman? I'd have avoided all this misery if you'd only let me be a boy!"

Idabelle raved on until, as suddenly as the complaining had started, it stopped. Idabelle burst out laughing. "Gee, Mom, did you ever hear anything half so absurd?"

"Yes, I have," Mother answered. "Me! I've painted a woman's life in pretty grim colors, as if men had all the advantages . . ."

"Well, they have, haven't they? Look at Jack. He never gets this 'curse.' He goes more places with Dad. He plays tennis twice as easily. Beside which I think you've always preferred him . . ."

"It's true that mothers do have a special kind of feeling toward their sons. But they also love their daughters in a different way."

That was all for the moment. However, with additional opportunities for voicing the fantasies that she would have been more beloved and happier if she'd been a boy--Idabelle grew less incensed about her "horrible fate," and her pain eased.

Even though no "revelation" ever rolls out, acceptant listening that communicates understanding can sometimes of itself bring more relief than do pills.

Many parents believe it wise to check with the doctor if a girl continues to have trouble with her periods. Seldom does the doctor find anything physically wrong. But he can sometimes step in and give the girl opportunities to talk in a more casual and easy way than the parent, who is naturally more emotionally involved. Only under very rare circumstances and only if the doctor finds unusual and severe symptoms should there be actual examination of the sex organs. For the young girl starting out on her course of being a woman such an examination more frequently than not stands as a very grave and shocking threat, as a punishment for secret thoughts, as an invasion of privacy and as a violation of her whole person.

Irregularity in menstruation is very common. Sometimes girls skip several months in between each of their first few periods. Most women remain somewhat irregular and can expect at least a third of their cycles to extend past the time they believe it is due. The idea that one has to be regular to be normal sets up tension which, in its turn, like other worries, may cause delay.

"I'm late," wails young Jinny. "And I know my mother'll think the worst. She never trusts Bob and me. She watches me like a hawk, expecting me to skip . . ."

The worry made young Jinny late just as an intense desire to be pregnant has made many a woman late, or the intense desire not to be pregnant. Letting down on tension often does wonders. Talking out worries to an acceptant listener may help to bring this about.

Prior to the onset of their menses, many girls are worried about personal hygiene and want information concerning it. Showing them, if they wish, just how to wear their napkins instead of merely telling them can make for a bit of needed assurance. However, insisting on such demonstration if they wish to avoid it becomes an invasion of the privacy they crave.

Discussing the matter of bathing and of exercising is also in order. "Many girls go swimming, bathe, take showers, play tennis and enter into other games as usual. Many girls prefer not to do strenuous things. Ordinarily, it depends on psychological choice rather than on physical necessity . . ."

Boys are fully as curious, and often as worried, about menstruation as are girls.

"But why on earth are they so callous?" one mother complained. "When my daughter has her period and doesn't feel like swimming, her brother starts in on her: 'What's the matter?' . . . 'What's happened to you?' . . . 'Why don't you get in the water? You're chicken! What's wrong?' . . . I've told him girls have what's called their period once a month and during that time he should be more considerate. But I might as well talk to a lizard for all the attention he pays."